highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
