I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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