The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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