i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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