would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
