I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
