you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
