I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
zippers are such a cool invention
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious