he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.