and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
