my soul wont recognize me after tonight
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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