Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
We had to coat check the pizza.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Randomize
