Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
