Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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