I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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