I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
