everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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