Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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