If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
