weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
