Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
