i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
