Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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