i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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