If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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