Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
