I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
