Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
