Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
