i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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