Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
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