There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
