how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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