My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
