White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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