i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
