i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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