I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
