Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
