Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
