it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
