my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
