We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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