i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
