and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
