Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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