i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize