he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
don't judge my taste in strippers
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
