he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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