remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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