my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
