He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
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12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
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He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time