I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
He went soft
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill