I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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