The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
